i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face