Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
this came to me in a vision
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
From my Mom
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.