[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.