Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
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I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit