Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Canadian owl: Eh?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering