The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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Me: I canât work today. Thereâs a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You canât skip work because itâs sunny.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadnâ
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Once in my life Iâd like a password or username prompt to be all, âShit youâve almost got it. Youâre getting closer.â
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Iâm starting to think that guy in 5th grade isnât going to ask me to couple skate
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of theâŠ*looks at her clarinet*âŠe-cig.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when youâre having a fight is a croissant cuz heâll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & thatâs just a delicious way to end a marriage . youâre welcome .
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. đđđș
My body is a âwonder what happenedâ land
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because itâs the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: đł Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.