eating my hot dog hamburger style
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them