honestly, i need both:
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I have so many questions.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.