Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
much to think about
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!