The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.