“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
lol
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.