My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
my name if I was in the mob
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
sliding into dms like
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry