pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You Might Also Like
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog