Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
This kid will have a bright future.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway