Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
They’re on their honeymoon
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Ghost costume 😂