…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”