If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.