I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.