I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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Best spot.. 😅
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
When news reporters do sports stories