10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
LOOOOOOL
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol