Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.