Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I missed you with all my darts
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue