It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.