Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Seems legit
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please