FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure