Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave