I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Feels
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
my mind
You just read my mind
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.