A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
How funny!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
also my go-to takeaway order
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.