The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
You Might Also Like
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Smells like a challenge to me
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.