My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Made something I’m not proud of
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The honesty is refreshing
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Covid like
Meanwhile in Portland…
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.