“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.