[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Stop it! 😂
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY