i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.