me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Bike for sale
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no