When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars