I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
estão todos miauvindo?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”