Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.