I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.