Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?