They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
How it started How it’s going
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.