The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*