I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
adam and eve had first world problems
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
#CoronaOutbreak
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party