Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
uh oh
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
the battle rages on
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”