Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I’m Sold!
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth