“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I got soap in my shower beer again.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?