This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* 鈥andline
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT鈥硷笍
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I guess cinco de mustard didn鈥檛 have the same ring to it
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
men, we mow at sunrise.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let鈥檚 change our spelling
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm鈥檈d me on twitter telling me they鈥檝e been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we鈥檙e both not gonna have him 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey鈥ou have no idea
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I鈥檓 one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Po盲ng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?