My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.