When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*