In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
lost dog
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire