The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing